Leaving Mormonism?

Leaving Mormonism? That is something that I never thought would be in the realm of possibilities. I loved it. I lived it. My testimony was always so strong, so sure. It’s not something I thought could happen. Ever. Life has a way of surprising you and kicking you in the butt. This blog is kind of my journal and a chronicle of my family. The last two years have been very difficult and I haven’t blogged about any of it. I think it’s time to write about it now.

In August of 2014 Scott disclosed to me a very secret 20 year porn problem. The life that I thought I had was gone in an instant, like a puff of smoke. 6 months prior to his disclosure Scott had a faith crisis. He had always been bothered by the priesthood ban and had studied the issue throughout the years trying to find reasons justifying it. When the church came out with their essays Scott read the essay about the blacks and the priesthood and it rocked his world. The essay more or less admits that the ban was not from God and that it was a mistake of man and that the church disavowed any racist statement of the past. If the church could be wrong about that what else could they be wrong about? Scott has had an ongoing relationship with pornography since he was about 14 years old. He’s also had an ongoing death wish and was very suicidal at different periods in his life. He never felt good enough. He never felt worthy. If someone would compliment him he would think, “Well if you really knew me you wouldn’t say that.” His only hope he felt was to get worthy and die somehow. Despite his feeling of unworthiness he was worthy enough to serve a mission and get married in the temple. He had a temple recommend the whole time we were married, he served in high leadership callings, and for years he cleaned the temple for 3 hours every week. I had no idea he had this problem.

Scott felt if the church could be wrong about black people having the priesthood maybe they were wrong about sexual sin (including porn) being the sin next to murder thing as well. One night after a relapse instead of his usual please forgive me and please be patient with me prayer he prayed to ask God about it. He asked God if looking at porn made him a bad person. He asked God if he had hated him all this time. The answer he got was that God did love him and that looking at porn didn’t make him a bad person. He broke down in bed sobbing the next night telling me that he felt like God loved him for the first time.

Before his disclosure to me he asked me to listen to some podcast episodes on Mormon Stories. One was on pornography addiction and another one was better sex in your Mormon marriage. He also throughout the years tried to complicate things for me when someone had gotten divorced over porn. He would point all of the good qualities that person had and how reductive a porn addiction label could be. He tried to prep me as best he could so that he could one day feel safe enough to tell me about his own relationship with pornography.

I knew something was going on with Scott especially after he broke down sobbing in bed that one night. I didn’t ask him about it. I just waited until he was ready to talk to me about it. Scott finally felt ready and he felt like I was ready to hear it. He was wrong. The night Scott told me I took it really well. I was so happy he had finally opened up to me. He was so alone for so long. So many things made sense to me. I knew when we were dating that he was very suicidal his freshman year of college, now I knew why. It made sense that frequently at night he would have almost a panic attack and tell me that he thought everything in his life was going to disappear. Everything made so much sense. I was happy to know, that night.

The next day I felt like the life I thought I had was over. The weight of pornography addiction was too hard to bear. Not only that, but Scott had basically made peace with his pornography use.  After his prayer to God that night he decided he wasn’t going to fight it anymore. He was going to stop being Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and incorporate it into his life. What he discovered was that his porn use went down. His compulsion went down, and he felt better than he had most of his life. I didn’t know what to do. I felt that no one was safe to talk to. I cried so much. I also prayed harder than I’ve ever prayed in my life. God was the only person who understood the situation perfectly. I didn’t feel judged by God, I only felt love. I felt like I had all bad options. Get a divorce. Becoming a single mom and trying to support my kids and raise them alone because Scott looked at porn sometimes seemed RIDICULOUS; I almost immediately threw that out the window. Force him into a 12 step program? I knew it wouldn’t work, especially if he was going for me and not for himself. Accept him as he was? But how could I do that and not feel like a second class citizen in my own marriage, in my own life. The only way I could do it was to think about porn differently and I did. I stopped giving porn the power to ruin me and my life. I stopped seeing it as a threat. I started to think of it as junk food. Should you live off of junk food? No. Do you crave it and eat it sometimes? Yes. We made it through that difficult patch in our marriage. Our marriage grew stronger and got better after that.

Our problems were far from over however. As time went on I could see that going to church was very difficult for Scott. It drained him in every way. Around the time of his disclosure he was the elder’s quorum president. He asked to be released from his calling. He was very suicidal at that time. I was trying my best to bring my kids up in the gospel while the beginnings of my faith crisis were happening as well. I lead family scripture reading every morning. I went to the temple. I read my scriptures. I had family home evening. But all of it was painful. With Scott’s disclosure I started to really question things in the church myself.

I had two different experiences while reading the Book of Mormon twice in a month’s time. Years ago I was a young women’s leader and our youth were doing a challenge called August rush. The challenge was to read the Book of Mormon in one month. Before the challenge we had a speaker talk to the youth about the Book of Mormon. She gave an excellent talk where she basically explained that all of life’s questions could be answered in the Book of Mormon. How could I be 30 years old and have read the Book of Mormon numerous times and not realized that so much of what we believed came directly from the Book of Mormon. I did the challenge that month and loved realizing that indeed so much of our doctrine and culture came directly from the Book of Mormon. When Scott disclosed his porn use to me it was the beginning of August. I decided I was going to do August rush again. This time my experience was completely different. I read the Book of Mormon with new eyes. I saw how condemning the scriptures could be. I saw that so much of Mormon culture that I didn’t like came directly from the Book of Mormon as well.

I had been bothered by the gay issue for years. I took a parenting class when Corbin was a baby which was a class on basically raising your kids to be faithful latter day saints. She gave a lesson about general conference. She talked about how we should treat general conference like our super bowl. Ya! Get our kids excited. We have a prophet! She also said we should take questions that we want to get answered into general conference and get our answers there. So I decided I was going to pray about my questions about gay people during general conference and get my answer. Well of course the family proclamation seemed to be mentioned in practically every talk. I had my answer. Easy, done. But my questions didn’t go away. Scott’s disclosure blew the cap off of EVERYTHING. I questioned the church’s stance on sexual issues in general.  I remember reading the book The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society book and questioning things. One of the characters has a baby out of wedlock. According to Mormon doctrine she has committed the sin next to murder and yet she was one of the most courageous and heroic characters I had ever read about. This book is fiction but it really made me wonder. I knew a mom that wouldn’t let her kids read Harry Potter and she didn’t know why but when it came out that Dumbledore was gay she knew she had her answer. This really bothered me. Dumbledore is another amazing and courageous character and just because he was gay he was what? Evil? I came across the website Far Between with Kendal Wilcox dealing with LGBT issues. Watching those videos broke my heart. Hearing people struggle with their sexuality and their religion was almost too painful to watch. Then I had the issue of my own sexuality to deal with. I felt like I was basically an asexual. I was so good at suppressing my sexuality that I struggled for years in the bedroom. I feel like it took a faith crisis for me to be able to allow myself the space to have any pleasure in the bedroom.

I finally allowed myself to disagree with the brethren about gay people. I was going to believe what I felt was right and I wasn’t going to just be obedient. There are plenty of active, believing members that believe the church is wrong about LGBT issues. I could be one of them.

As time continued going to church got harder and harder for Scott. He could not stand to listen to the same things being preached that had ruined him. He slowly started to go inactive. I could see how painful going to church was for him and I had to let it go. I didn’t want to divorce him because he didn’t go to church anymore.

In April Scott stopped attending church altogether. I could not stand the thought of going to church alone with my four kids and have everyone in the ward look at me and think, “she’s so faithful and strong” when I wasn’t. I agreed that Scott shouldn’t be at church and we were on the same page about most issues. I decided I was going to go inactive with him. I emailed the bishop and primary president. I couldn’t teach primary anymore (teaching those lessons every week was very painful). I emailed my family and close friends. That was the worst day of my life. I have never cried harder. I hated disappointing my loved ones. There were some rough email exchanges in the next few weeks. The first Sunday I was supposed to go inactive was a fast Sunday. I woke up at 5:00 in the morning and felt like I should go to church and bear my testimony so I did. I got up first before the counselor was even done talking. I stood up and told the ward my plan to go inactive.  I told them how my family was devastated and fasting for me. I told them that they were my people and that I didn’t know what I know. I talked about love and compassion the end. The following month Scott came to church and bore his final testimony. He read an 8 page letter telling his church experience and he spoke for about 25 minutes. It was intense. It was sad. It was uncomfortable. Around that time Scott and I also recorded some podcasts with some Mormon therapists. I shared some of those on my facebook page. I was feeling very vulnerable. I asked the bishop to put me in nursery so I could still attend church but not be so exposed. For four months I tried to make church attendance work. I tried to be a middle road Mormon. I am not cut out for it. I have asked to be released and have a plan once again to go inactive.

At different points in this journey I wanted to prove that the church wasn’t true so I wouldn’t feel so guilty about leaving it. I delved into everything including what some would consider anti-Mormon. I discovered with that path for me at least that I couldn’t prove the church wasn’t true anymore than I could prove it was true. If you want to find evidence that the church is true you will find it. If you want to find evidence that the church is not true you will find it. This is where faith comes into action. I felt like I could choose to believe if I felt like that was the right path. Is the church a net positive for many people? Yes. Is it a net negative for many people? Yes. I knew it wasn’t good for Scott but what about me? What about my children? These are the questions that have been CONSTANTLY on my mind for months. I’ve cried. I’ve prayed. I have been struggling with my faith ever since Scott’s disclosure but when Scott went inactive and things came out everything reached its boiling point.

I worry about making a mistake, the biggest mistake of my life. I worry about raising my kids in the church. I worry about raising them out of the church. I feel very alone. I feel very misunderstood. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone because everyone in my life is a believing Mormon and they have all of the answers already. I am heart-broken. I feel like once again I have all crap choices. For now walking away seems like the right path even if it will be lonely and laced with misunderstanding from everyone around me. This is where I am at right now. Where will I be in 6 months? Who knows?